Capacity and Compatibility

Relationships today are in trouble. The advice too often given when a relationship is in trouble is to end it, which in itself is telling. The increasingly utilized solution for relationship struggles is not resolution, but dissolution; only for the individual’s next relationship to be fraught with similar - if not the same - struggles.

What seems to be lacking in today’s relationships is emotional capacity. Capacity is the amount of a vessel that can be filled with something. In terms of emotional capacity in people, it’s the amount of emotional labor an individual is capable of performing at any given moment. Individual emotional capacity can be limited or expanded by a number of different factors: one’s upbringing, mental health, emotional intelligence, stress management tools, tangible resources, etc. In a relationship, what is relevant to conflict resolution is combined emotional capacity. This is an algorithm by which each individual’s emotional capacity contributes to the relationship’s overall capacity for managing the stresses and strains that will inevitably confront it.

Often appearing in the social commentary today is the conversation around “emotional labor”. The idea of capacity shouldn’t be terribly out of reach for those well-versed in this commentary. In many relationships, it is said, one individual is doing the emotional labor of both partners, which becomes problematic. The main reason it becomes problematic is because the individual doing the emotional labor becomes depleted in their capacity to continue offering that labor, leaving the other partner to either replenish them or to take over the work. When that moment of individual depletion comes and a partner cannot or does not step in, all work stops and the relationship founders.

This is where combined emotional capacity (CEC) takes center stage. It can be helpful to think of CEC in monetary terms. If I have $1 and my partner has $1, together we have $2. That makes it possible for us to purchase something collectively that costs more than $1. However, if the thing we purchase for our $2 is only going to benefit one of us, the other of us has been depleted of capacity while the one is replenished. If the benefit will yield $4, though, we as a partnership have doubled our total capacity - so long as that benefit is shared within the partnership.

Many couples come together with assumptions about the role that emotions play in building their relationship. Namely, that “love” is what it takes to make the relationship work. Certainly love can contribute to the development of other relationship structures such as commitment, attachment, and compassion, but it cannot expand emotional capacity. This is where compatibility takes the place of love in determining the fitness and endurance of a relationship. The processes by which a couple shares their emotional capacity over time will heavily impact the health of their relationship.

So, how can couples increase their combined emotional capacity? Here are a few ideas:

1. Reciprocity - when your partner fills your “emotional bank account”, look at this as a debt to be repaid. It is vital to know your relationship’s emotional exchange rate (the thing that fills your partner’s account may not be the same as what fills yours) and follow through on repaying it.

2. Generosity - fill your partner’s emotional bank account when they are depleted, even if you also feel somewhat depleted. Two depleted heads are better than one.

3. Vulnerability - lean into the relationship when you need it. If your partner doesn’t know you’re depleted, how can they help replenish you?

If you find yourself struggling to take these steps in your relationship, then it might be time to speak with a professional who can help get your relationship back on the right track. Contact Equip Counseling to inquire about what relationship therapy can do for you.